I had the first conversation with my husband in 4 days; it is the first time that we have talked since he left me in Germany with a plane ticket home and 120 Euro. He says that he isn't happy with himself and being alone makes him stronger. Really?
I don't have a come back for that. I really don't. How does hurting me make him feel better? How does losing my support make him stronger? I wish that I could wrap my head around it. It's so hard to come to grips with the idea that everything isn't always about me. That something could fall apart, no matter how much I want to hold it together. I want to be in control. We said forever, dammit. I want my freakin' forever.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Well that just happened...
***strong language - including the "f-bomb"***
He has been deployed for nine months, and we have been planning to meet in Germany since before he left. You know - to reconnect, touch base, and have that honeymoon we never got.
We got to Munich (which by-the-way is the prettiest and most awesome place I've ever visited) and he was distant. Never mean, just disconnected. I tried to talk with him a couple of times about what was going on, but he changed the subject.
So last night I tried again. I opened with "I don't like fighting with you, but there are some things we need to talk about..." He agreed that he didn't like to fight either. I thought, "Wow, we are going to clear the air and make headway. Good for us!" I let him know that I don't like the distance. That feeling like I'm the only one working on the marriage makes be both tired and angry. He tells me that he feels disconnected. That things are different now, and he feels like he can't get excited about anything. I ask him if he has anyone to talk to since some of the stuff he is telling me sounds so silly when you say it aloud. (I am not going to send you money home, for instance.)
He hears me calling him a fuck up. Says that he is glad to know that everyone thinks he's worthless. Then he packs his backpack and leaves. I think he told me to find someone who isn't a fuck up, but I don't know for sure. I couldn't hear him over the sound of my own crying; I asked him to repeat himself and he told me that I heard him. He threw 120 Euro at me, "to get me to Munich to catch my flight", and left.
That's right, folks. I was just left in Germany. The kick in the pants is that his sister is stationed here, and we were staying with her and his new born niece. I am stranded until my flight tomorrow at his family's house.
So many things are swirling through my head. Would it had made a difference if I had gotten over my shock fast enough to ask him to stay? Would it have mattered if I did a better job of losing the weight? Who gets the dog? Are we really getting a divorce?
He texted his sister that he had cleared airport security and was headed back to Afghanistan. That clearly kills my fantasy that involves him coming back and telling me he is sorry and it was all a mistake.
I'm mad - mostly at myself. I moved for him. He *had* to go to ASU for college, and I moved with him. I took many of his classes and wrote all of his papers - even going to far as to take a class he failed so he could get his degree. He didn't like my furniture (I had an entire house full), so I gave it away or sold it all because we were going to get something we both liked in Arizona. We moved from AZ and left all of that stuff behind as well. I didn't want to get rid of my things. I really liked them, but I wanted to make him happy. Look where that got me.
He has been deployed for nine months, and we have been planning to meet in Germany since before he left. You know - to reconnect, touch base, and have that honeymoon we never got.
We got to Munich (which by-the-way is the prettiest and most awesome place I've ever visited) and he was distant. Never mean, just disconnected. I tried to talk with him a couple of times about what was going on, but he changed the subject.
So last night I tried again. I opened with "I don't like fighting with you, but there are some things we need to talk about..." He agreed that he didn't like to fight either. I thought, "Wow, we are going to clear the air and make headway. Good for us!" I let him know that I don't like the distance. That feeling like I'm the only one working on the marriage makes be both tired and angry. He tells me that he feels disconnected. That things are different now, and he feels like he can't get excited about anything. I ask him if he has anyone to talk to since some of the stuff he is telling me sounds so silly when you say it aloud. (I am not going to send you money home, for instance.)
He hears me calling him a fuck up. Says that he is glad to know that everyone thinks he's worthless. Then he packs his backpack and leaves. I think he told me to find someone who isn't a fuck up, but I don't know for sure. I couldn't hear him over the sound of my own crying; I asked him to repeat himself and he told me that I heard him. He threw 120 Euro at me, "to get me to Munich to catch my flight", and left.
That's right, folks. I was just left in Germany. The kick in the pants is that his sister is stationed here, and we were staying with her and his new born niece. I am stranded until my flight tomorrow at his family's house.
So many things are swirling through my head. Would it had made a difference if I had gotten over my shock fast enough to ask him to stay? Would it have mattered if I did a better job of losing the weight? Who gets the dog? Are we really getting a divorce?
He texted his sister that he had cleared airport security and was headed back to Afghanistan. That clearly kills my fantasy that involves him coming back and telling me he is sorry and it was all a mistake.
I'm mad - mostly at myself. I moved for him. He *had* to go to ASU for college, and I moved with him. I took many of his classes and wrote all of his papers - even going to far as to take a class he failed so he could get his degree. He didn't like my furniture (I had an entire house full), so I gave it away or sold it all because we were going to get something we both liked in Arizona. We moved from AZ and left all of that stuff behind as well. I didn't want to get rid of my things. I really liked them, but I wanted to make him happy. Look where that got me.
Friday, September 13, 2013
Should I stay or should I go...
It's amazing how the little things seem to build up until there is a pile of little things that you can't see over.
I hate "those" military wives. You know the ones - the women who whine and whine about how difficult their life is... all I can think is, "You picked him". I try really hard to keep our business away from the outside world. I don't like letting other people know what is going on in our little world. But what am I supposed to do when the problems are so big and so glaring? How did I ignore things until there was a 500 pound gorilla in the room?
I'm not technically a military wife any longer. My husband got out of the Army to go to college. He had every intention of getting a degree and going back in, but that didn't work out. They are reducing the number in the Army and didn't give age waivers. He became a contractor, doing the same job he used to do, for a company and deployed to Afghanistan. I didn't like that he had gone back overseas, but thought that the money would help us save up to buy a house.
Then reality hit. He never really shared with me, but when I had a full time teaching position it didn't matter. I had my money, and he had his. He paid the rent, and I paid utilities. It worked for us. Then he left the country again, and I moved home to help manage expenses. It still worked, he send a couple hundred a month home - and then I think when he realized not sending money might get him in trouble...sent a lump sum of 3K. (I paid 6 months of rent with it). Then, life came and bit me on the bottom. I needed knee surgery in April (it costs a few thousand dollars after insurance), and lost my job the same month. I was worried, but not too worried since my husband is making so much money over seas. I applied to every school district I can drive to and didn't get a job over the summer. Then he stopped sending money because he thinks I'm "being expensive" for no reason.
He feels like what he makes is his. He's saving for a house. (He has never said, "We are saving...it's always him". He doesn't think he should have to spend so much on me...he doesn't want to pay me to sit at home. Here is the kicker...the money I want (living expenses and the medical bills) makes up about 15% of his income. That's right...I'm not daring to ask for half. I'm not daring to ask for access to it all. I am asking for 15%.
Here's the real kick in the pants...I don't want a divorce. I want to work it out - but not if it means I swallow my feelings again and allow him to figuratively kick me in the teeth.
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