Well that just happened...

***strong language - including the "f-bomb"***


He has been deployed for nine months, and we have been planning to meet in Germany since before he left.  You know - to reconnect, touch base, and have that honeymoon we never got.

We got to Munich (which by-the-way is the prettiest and most awesome place I've ever visited) and he was distant.  Never mean, just disconnected.  I tried to talk with him a couple of times about what was going on, but he changed the subject.

So last night I tried again.  I opened with "I don't like fighting with you, but there are some things we need to talk about..."  He agreed that he didn't like to fight either.  I thought, "Wow, we are going to clear the air and make headway.  Good for us!"  I let him know that I don't like the distance.  That feeling like I'm the only one working on the marriage makes be both tired and angry.  He tells me that he feels disconnected.  That things are different now, and he feels like he can't get excited about anything.  I ask him if he has anyone to talk to since some of the stuff he is telling me sounds so silly when you say it aloud.  (I am not going to send you money home, for instance.)  

He hears me calling him a fuck up.  Says that he is glad to know that everyone thinks he's worthless.  Then he packs his backpack and leaves.  I think he told me to find someone who isn't a fuck up, but I don't know for sure.  I couldn't hear him over the sound of my own crying; I asked him to repeat himself and he told me that I heard him.  He threw 120 Euro at me, "to get me to Munich to catch my flight", and left.

That's right, folks.  I was just left in Germany.  The kick in the pants is that his sister is stationed here, and we were staying with her and his new born niece.  I am stranded until my flight tomorrow at his family's house.

So many things are swirling through my head.  Would it had made a difference if I had gotten over my shock fast enough to ask him to stay?  Would it have mattered if I did a better job of losing the weight?  Who gets the dog?  Are we really getting a divorce?

He texted his sister that he had cleared airport security and was headed back to Afghanistan.  That clearly kills my fantasy that involves him coming back and telling me he is sorry and it was all a mistake.

I'm mad - mostly at myself.  I moved for him.  He *had* to go to ASU for college, and I moved with him.  I took many of his classes and wrote all of his papers - even going to far as to take a class he failed so he could get his degree.  He didn't like my furniture (I had an entire house full), so I gave it away or sold it all because we were going to get something we both liked in Arizona.  We moved from AZ and left all of that stuff behind as well.  I didn't want to get rid of my things.  I really liked them, but I wanted to make him happy.  Look where that got me.